My Journal
Writing is an important way for me to process my feelings, questions, confusions, and experiences.
CW: some journal entries are about traumatic experiences
that feeling when the man from Verizon walks into your new apartment
and the door clicks behind him
and your heart throbs
and the door clicks behind him
and your heart throbs
because it happened once
and something in your body
thinks it'll happen again
eleanor roosevelt
“A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."
“A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."
me. fucking. too.
the gymnasts
that blog post
Anita Hill
the gymnasts
that blog post
Anita Hill
Aminatou
silence
judgement
Franken
Aziz
Farrow
me
when can I take a break? how?
when will it be safe to watch CNN
or scroll Instagram
or have a conversation at work
without my pulse racing, stomach churning.
my brave heart heaves pain and also joy
for the fact that this collective eggshell of shame
is finally cracking.
stories pour out
like runny eggs.
i can guzzle the yolk raw...
but the little girl in me is tired.
she wants earplugs and blinders and earmuffs
to get through my day.
there's no longer space to compartmentalize her trauma.
everywhere is a reminder.
flashlights scan the musty corners of my mind.
in the distance a lighthouse,
my soul.
beam strong,
ready.
holidays (!)
My family is driving me crazy.
I love them.
My family is driving me crazy.
I love them.
And they're driving me crazy.
_
I'm grateful to have a warm home and buttery mashed potatoes and sisters I love.
But coming "home" for thanksgiving also means
being blocks away from the man who assaulted me.
Family, if nothing else, is complex
it's loaded.
_
I'm grateful for the reminder to be grateful
and I'm looking forward to getting back to a space
that feels like my own.
have I told you?
About the women who come to my workshops and tell me that they've been looking for something like this their whole lives?
About the women who come to my workshops and tell me that they've been looking for something like this their whole lives?
feeling the intensity of this world, building
managing my own intensity by:
noticing
managing my own intensity by:
noticing
keeping up
grounding
practicing
laughing
finding patience
remembering grace
darkness / light
Part of me created this journal so that I have an outlet for my darkness.
Part of me created this journal so that I have an outlet for my darkness. And for my anger.
But maybe darkness and anger aren't the same thing
-
I know that because I saw the depths of darkness, I can emanate the vast light...
But I also need a place to talk about the darkness I've seen
a place to share it
and I feel like most people usually don't want to hear it
is that something I made up?
-
most of the time i'm a really nice person
at least i try to be kind to people, to treat them with a generosity of spirit, to remind myself that God is in everyone...
and it's really hard sometimes
because there's a part of me that's a dragon
I have fire in my breath
it's okay to let our hearts break
they'll crack open and flood riverbanks with our collective tears,
they'll crack open and flood riverbanks with our collective tears,
carrying us home,
and making new room for joy