My Journal
Writing is an important way for me to process my feelings, questions, confusions, and experiences.
CW: some journal entries are about traumatic experiences
i think people are afraid of women’s pain
Of women’s anger. Of women’s anguish.
Of women’s anger. Of women’s anguish.
Sometimes when I share that I work with survivors, I hear people suck in a breath.
They say, “Wow, that’s a lot to hold.” Or, “Do you worry about triggering something?”
Yes, it is a lot to hold, and I hold it gracefully. Yes, I do worry about triggering something, and I’m constantly monitoring myself and my students, creating a space to hold them over and over again.
The thing breath suckers don’t understand is that we, survivors, are constantly triggered. Whether it’s going to the doctor or watching Supreme Court hearings or listening to our coworkers chuckle about assault or [insert that other thing that just happened to you]. Being alive is a trigger.
I wish everyone would make a space for women’s anger. I wish everyone would not be so afraid of us going mad. Because we already are fucking mad. It has already happened and is currently happening. Get the fuck over it.
Did she know?
Did she know,
eon ago,
how dusty the road would be,
Did she know,
eon ago,
how dusty the road would be,
when she was born?
Eon ago,
a purple ring
rounded her moon.
Did she know
that lifetime after lifetime,
someone would try
to steal her body?
Did she know
they would rip her
insides out and she would take herself back,
again and again?
Lifetime after lifetime,
she reels in her organs like a broken fishing line.
Because eon ago,
she sipped a freedom
that burned like bourbon
and sent deep blue waves
through her veins.
And she promised her soul
she would never let it go.
today i am containing
i have put it all in a box
so i can breathe
i have put it all in a box
so i can breathe
and smile
and laugh
exhale
long and deep
do it again
don't do it perfect
long and deep
do it again
don't do it perfect
-
notice that you need to inhale to exhale
notice how your lungs hurt
notice
-
bite down on him
instead of your aching teeth
tell him the truth through a smile
-
how many rapes does it take
to make it stop
to find peace and freedom and safety in our bodies
-
i see a world beyond this
in which women are loved and free
in which we heal ourselves
and each other
-
i can see it
i feel it
it's here
today i went to the doctor
i told her i have sexual trauma
i told her i have sexual trauma
i told her what i DO NOT feel comfortable doing
and she said okay
Snatam Kaur
“My soul is rising through the anger and fear.”
“My soul is rising through the anger and fear."