My Journal
Writing is an important way for me to process my feelings, questions, confusions, and experiences.
CW: some journal entries are about traumatic experiences
my shadows too
I’m wondering about all of my shadows
I’m wondering about all of my shadows
Like when I’m
Aloof
Removed
Self-conscious
Self-doubting
Judgmental
Heart closed
Is that part of what a shadow is?
The places where our hearts close?
Krishna told me to keep looking for the seed,
The underlying roots of every situation – not just the surface issues
And when I walk that spiral path back to the seed
I usually find love
Where I’m hurt
I find love
Where I’m angry
Often love
Where I’m confused
I think my pregnancy hormones
Are telling me something
About love
About shadows
About the sides of my heart softening
And finding so much more compassion
For the parts I don’t want people to see
13 weeks
as a survivor one of my most utilized coping mechanisms has been trying to control
as a survivor,
one of my most utilized coping mechanisms has been trying to control everything around me -
my environment, my friends, my colleagues, my house, my body
in fact part of the reason i love yoga and meditation is that they help me be in control
but now, 13 weeks into the deepest surrender i’ve ever known,
i have to let go
there is no other way
wahe guru
prosperity
the spreading lotus
those juicy pink blossoms
the spreading lotus
those juicy pink blossoms
ocean herself
Oshun and her rivers
my little niece Stella
baby me, knowing
Ganesh, clear the path.
you are the magic
As I see it, you are
brave
As I see it, you are
brave
resilient
dedicated
heart-centered
committed
compassionate
funny
smiley
wise
radical
and filled with love.
finally
I’m still affected by the Kavanaugh hearing
I’m still affected by the Kavanaugh hearing
And the fact that they chose him
For that position of power
I couldn’t watch Michael Cohen’s hearing
This week
Because it reminded me too much of
When Kavanaugh sat there and
Pretended he was the victim
Of when that prosecutor
Gently suggested that
Dr. Ford might not recall her own memories
I’m crying now
The tears that I didn’t have space to cry then
Because the news was too loud
And Facebook was too loud
And people at my work were making jokes
Now, on a quiet March morning,
Rain and snow hanging in the sky,
I have a moment to cry
For all the times they didn’t believe us
For the way my stomach grinds when they hold fast to power
For Dr. Ford and her pain
For me and my pain
For Robin and her pain
I know this will end
I know we are on the path to freedom
But fuck if it doesn’t hurt